on being terrible in public

Moving to California has prompted a lot of urgency in preparing for “what’s next”. This time away from everything I know and love has been isolating, but I feel even more aware of myself than I have been in a long time. When I’m not working to distract myself from homesickness, I’m writing or painting and now I’ve started a terrible project - a few actually.

Writing has been healing, just like it had been in 2016. But the difference is now, I feel free. I feel more able to write science fiction. I feel empowered to write music reviews. I feel good about writing whatever the hell I want, regardless of how terrible it is. The secret?

I’ve grown to understand that mediocrity is generally celebrated everywhere, so if I’m truly as terrible as I feel inside, why not just be terrible in public? I’ll be proudly terrible, or proudly terrific. Though my inner voice teeters back and forth between being my biggest fan and imposter syndrome, I have to stop being one of my worst enemies. With my being a man, patriarchy will still celebrate my mediocrity as any system of hierarchy does with its dominating group.

Not that I’m mediocre by any means; people have reviewed my work and appreciated it - my writing at least. It also must sound arrogant to tell the entire world that you wholeheartedly believe in your work. But it’s not a matter of arrogance. It’s about making a way in a world that refuses to move forward. It’s about pushing the envelope and getting your piece of the pie - whatever that may be. The time for denying yourself is over.

I’m excited to be terrible in public next year. I’ve been working on a terrible manuscript that will turn into a terrible book. I’ve been painting terrible images that’ll make their way into books that deserve better. And I’m excited to release some terrible music.